If you’re wondering what it’s like to be a 30-something, single, childfree woman seeing Toy Story 5 alone at the Burbank AMC at 10:30 a.m. on opening day, let me tell you: it’s a lot. Between the film’s colorful antics, the ear-splitting joy of the small children all around me, and my slight yet persistent hangover, watching Toy Story 5 in theaters was mildly harrowing—but I still liked the movie! And I really like that my job sometimes involves seeing movies and recapping them on Friday mornings!
Below, please find every thought I had (literally) while watching Toy Story 5.
- Should I become a Stubs member?
- I was going to complain about how many kids are at this morning screening of a kids’ movie, but…
- Likely place for them to be!
- Aw, it’s Buzz Lightyear. Hello, old friend.
- Or…a lot of Buzzes?
- Incidentally, I’m pleased to report that a two-year-old I occasionally babysit is still enamored with his Woody and Jessie dolls.
- Some things are eternal!
- If this “A long time ago” flashback turns out to be the year I was born, I’m going to be upset.
- I want a tire swing.
- Nothing makes me cry quite like a shy child.
- It’s okay, shy child! Spread your wings!
- I mean…do you really want to be friends with blond boy-girl twins?
- “Why won’t anyone be my friend?”
- Yeah, no, I don’t think I can have children, if the fact that I’m already sobbing at this drawing of a child’s social exclusion is any indication.
- Oh, the blond twins are iPad babies? Ugh.
- Damn, this movie is not coming in subtle with the big-tech criticism, and I love it.
- Don’t get your kid an evil iPad to help her fit in, parents!
- Then again, I wanted a pink Sidekick for exactly that reason, and if memory serves, it worked (kind of).
- Wow, this green frog iPad is a bitch.
- Aw! Social invites for Bonnie!
- Is eight kind of young for a sleepover?
- I feel like I didn’t have one until early middle school, but maybe I was just weird.
- God, this shot of all the kids on the street illuminated by their iPads is quite moving.
- “Toys are for play, but tech is for everything.” Woof.
- I forgot Buzz and Jessie have a will-they/won’t-they thing going.
- It’s crazy to take notes on my phone throughout a movie about how technology is sapping us of our life force, but that’s how the sausage is made.
- Physical toys at a sleepover? Think again, diva.
- I’ll never forget the joy I got when I found out that the most popular girl in my fifth-grade class still played with Barbies, though (as did I).
- I love this weird little horse!
- Okay, I get the point this movie is making, but…sometimes staring at your phone in the company of your best friends can be transcendent.
- Are we going to meet Jessie’s first kid, Emily?
- I mean, why would she still live at her childhood address?
- Whoa, real horse!
- Or…CGI horse?
- IDK.
- Nice day for a cutlery wedding!
- How am I just learning now that Wallace Shawn voices Rex?
- Wow, Woody in a poncho got a big laugh from the crowd.
- I want a baby pig!
- Lena Dunham has one!!! No fair!
- This deer is creeping me out.
- Okay, this potty-training plot is losing me a little.
- Now, Jessie, let’s not be throwing around harsh words like “useless”!
- More childhood social abandonment????
- Come on, Pixar!
- If I was a tween and someone who owned a domesticated pig invited me over, you wouldn’t be able to keep me away.
- Aw, I miss shitty vintage Internet.
- I’m still not totally understanding the purpose of the Buzz Army.
- I love to see a pig in pearls.
- And with a scepter, no less!
- Starting to feel a little sad for this iPad, not gonna lie!
- She’s just trying to help Bonnie make friends, damn.
- Okay, good veiled Alexa/Siri reference.
- Not the group-chat cyberbullying!
- That’s only funny when my friends and I (all adults) do it to each other!
- Okay, Woody really does have that poncho on.
- Okay, how am I crying again?!?
- I mean, yes, I’m in my luteal phase, but damn.
- First Kid Emily named her daughter Jessie?!?
- I’m crying again.
- So is a child in the audience, but for presumably unrelated reasons.
- Choosing to interpret “you’re not useless, Sheriff!” as a subtle Muriel’s Wedding reference.
- Should I get an indoor trampoline?
- LMFAO, half the kids in my theater yelled “EW!” at the Buzz/Jessie kiss…and they’re right! Toy Story is not about romance!
- Am I crazy to think Jessie and the iPad frog might have been a better couple?
- God forbid a Pixar film get a little gay with it!
- YAY, IRL toys!
- YAY, friendship!
